Last week, the chattering class moved on from talking about Sandberg and leaning in to talking about division of house cleaning chores. (See Jessica Grose, Jonathan Chait, and Stella Bugbee.) I didn't weigh in, because we've dealt with that topic so many times on this blog. A sloppy search of my archives pulled up dozens of posts. However, I've been getting nudged to write a post about it, so here goes...
Having a tidy house isn't totally worthless as Bugbee makes out. If the kids have clean socks in a designated drawer, it is easier to get out them of the house in the morning. It's easier to throw some waffles in the toaster, if the counter isn't strewn with the remains of the previous night's dinner party. There are obvious benefits from having the cabinet under the sink stocked with rolls of toilet paper.
I speak from experience here, because right now Jonah's clean clothes are stacked in front of his dresser and are not actually in his drawers. The kitchen counters are piled high with a mix of clean and unclean platters and bowls from last night's dinner party. And the upstairs bathroom does not have any toilet paper.
Having a clean house is a nice thing. But making it clean is super boring, and in our spoiled Western world, we have so many better things to do with our time.
Steve and I used to quarrel more about the housework than we do now. In some ways, quarreling over housework is a young person problem. By the time that you've been married for a million years, an equilibrium develops and standards change. I have learned to ignore the chaos on the top of Steve's night stand and desk. And he's recognized that it's actually gross to have a kitchen so dirty that you can see a dead cockroach in the digital display of the microwave.
Like Chait, I do more of the housework, because I'm home. But I do not accept that housecleaning is my job. I do more, but I consider it a temporary situation and a low priority task. I got a headpiece for the phone, so I tidy up, while chatting with my mom. I watch dumb TV shows, during those rare moments when I try to squeeze the mountain of folded laundry into our cramped, hand-me down, paint-encrusted dressers. (I do think that if we ever invest money in proper furniture, the house will be tidier.)
When Steve's home, he does a fair share of a certain type of housework. During the week, he cleans up after dinner and throws in one load of laundry. As long as we have a mutually agreed upon priority list for the weekend, we're conflict-free. It would be nice if there was some recognition that the workload for the house was not evenly distributed, but we'll let that one go for the moment. He does many chores around the house that I don't touch, including the bill paying.
Not only is housecleaning is a worthless task, but quarreling about the housework is also a complete waste of time. After fifteen years of marriage, we have nearly reached an equilibrium point. It took a long time for each of us to make adjustments in expectations and to arrive at certain patterns. I'm glad we're at this point, because there are so many better things to do with your time. Keeping score about the house cleaning is just as boring as putting away the platters from the dinner party and keeping the bathroom stocked with toilet paper.