A couple of days ago, I wrote a post that dismissed David Brooks' column on the new age of virtue. I didn't understand how he defined virtue. I thought that he left out some important variables that could explain recent improvements in family life. I was afraid that he saw the world through rose-colored, Republican glasses. (Cold Springs Shop has a nice follow up.)
But I don't want to write off the fact that some important social changes are occurring at this moment. Less domestic violence, more interest in good parenting, more interest in creating a stable home life. Look, I'm a family values kind of girl, and I have to celebrate those developments.
Yesterday, I took the kids to visit my friend, Margie, out in Long Island. On the way, we swooped into the city to pick up another buddy, Susan. Margie has a pool in her backyard, and her property overlooks the Sound. We splashed around in her backyard, until Ian started falling asleep while playing with trains. We had to coordinate the nap with the traffic on the Cross Bronx Expressway, so off we went.
As we sat in traffic, Susan told me about a book she was reading -- The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce : The 25 Year Landmark Study
Susan explained that the author found that divorce has a huge impact on children. Kids never completely understand what happened, and parents fail to properly discuss the divorce to them. Kids would prefer that unhappy parents stay together rather than divorce, which counters the argument that goes "if the mom is happy, the kids are happy". As the parents struggle to put their lives together, the children are often emotionally neglected.
The author also found that these early traumas have profound life altering affects. As adults, the children of divorce are far more likely than others to say they never want to have children. Or if they get married and have kids, they are far more likely to fear uncertain disaster and to painstakingly care for their relationship.
Based on highly unscientific observations of my friends, that sounds about right. I'm going to check out this book.
Then we got into a long discussion about whether we would stay in an unhappy, but not abusive relationship for the sake of the kids. No answers.
UPDATE: I'm beet red. All these people here (Thanks, Megan), and I'm not wearing any lipstick. My web design sucks, and I wrote this post during Playhouse Disney this morning and forgot to spell check.
But thanks, everyone, for showing up and contributing such amazing comments.